I watched Fight Club recently (great movie, by the way) and Brad Pitt asks a very interesting question: “If you could fight anyone, who would it be?” After I finished staring at  Brad’s beautiful, beautiful face, I realized that this would be a great question to ask the angst-filled students of HHS. Guess what? I was right.

Junior Max Meallo stated that he’d fight infamous Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.  “In a World Star video,” he added. “I’d be shirtless and super ripped.” I like everything about this fight, literally everything.

Coleman Lambert, a sophomore would also take on Hitler. “But he was pretty built so I’d definitely stomp out Doctor Mengele.” Great choice, Coleman, Mengele was the definition of a mad scientist and a deadly surgeon with his knife. But I have full confidence that Coleman’s a surgeon on the wrestling mat, and will probably kill him.

Senior Steven Griffin said he’d melee with Fredrick Douglass, the  the abolitionist revolutionary. When I asked Griff why, he said, “Just because, for reasons opposite of racism.”  I guess this is not racist, even though it totally sounds like it is.

Man of peace Jake Casper, a senior, said he’d go head-to-head with Kanye West. “I’d take him out with a dropkick to the face,” he said. “I like his music, but he’s a horrible person.” That was the first time Jake sounded violent and I felt so proud of him.

Junior Noah Gattereau spat out that he would fight “all three members of Migos for dissing my boy Chief Keef, bang bang O block.” It took me three months to process this statement and I still sometimes forget that what Noah said was classified as English.

Sophomore Alex Campbell wants to fight Eve, of the Biblical power couple Adam and Eve. Well, Alex, God wouldn’t be so pissed at us if you body slammed that blonde rule-breaker into the holy earth, so go for it.

Abby  Kirby would take on magician Harry Houdini and Meaghan McGlame would fight Italian Dictator Benito Mussolini. I think they chose them because they rhyme.

Ah, I love improbable questions like these. They provide such great answers. If I had the opportunity to fight anyone, it would be Vlad the Impaler. If I beat him I get to keep his nickname and that would be metal: Eric the Impaler. Ahh . .  . how peaceful.