So Mrs. McHugh wanted me to write another article for the paper and I was all like, “idk,” but then senior savage Isaac Bickford gave me the idea to tell people all about the Homecoming dance in the lingo of the 1950s. I responded to Isaac’s idea with, “That’s the stupidest best idea I’ve ever heard….let’s do it!” So if you’re curious as to if I’ve finally gone off the deep end, I have not. So here’s Homecoming, ‘50s style.

Hey you! Yes you! Do you often find yourself on the weekend devoid of a sock hop to attend? Does your gang of high school hellhounds need a place to chill cold? Ever wanted to spend an evening with a fine young honey? If so, well, I’ve got the solution for you, daddy-o! This Saturday night come to the Homecoming shakedown.

Now before you enter, you gotta know that if you have any silly juice in your system, you’re gonna have to hit the road, ace. Don’t get salty with me if you get kicked and thrown in the paddy wagon since you wanted a little underage fun.

Now, the tickets cost thirty big ones, so if you’re a bit skinny on cash, it’s time to save up your jukebox money. The dance is open to all ages of people from big daddys to little mamas so don’t feel like you’re too old or too young to have a jig. There are plenty of reasons to attend the dance such as the chow being served. Puccini’s will be catering the hop and I must say their food never fails to razz my berries. Disc jockey extraordinaire Molly Minnehan will be itching and scratching the latest records from Elvis, Fats Domino, and, if you’re feeling frisky, Ritchie Valens. With six songs in total, the gym will be a real hoppin’ joint. Remember, only the heartthrobs and tootses of HHS can attend the dance so if someone else from some other town tries to snake in, tell them to make like an egg and beat it.

Hey fellas, once you and your cool cats groove on down to the dance floor, be sure to ask a young dame to vibe with you. Don’t be a kook about it; if you think that young lady scorching the dance floor is pretty, buck up, tie your shoes real tight, make sure your pompadour is groomed, and ask that dame to shake it. Ladies, don’t be a two-cent floosie, save a dance for a real hunk, not some creep.

The dance will last until 9:30, so after that you can hop in a hot rod and goose out of there and back to your parents for a safe responsible evening. Keep in mind kiddos, this is for fun for everyone so don’t be a stick in the mud and ruin it.

Yeah, I just wrote that. You just read that. I feel bad too. Goodnight.